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Author Topic: [Private] Healing Hurts  (Read 4920 times)

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Offline Jael

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[Private] Healing Hurts
« on: July 23, 2012, 02:00:37 AM »
She had spoken with Mel, albeit briefly. Letting the woman know she had come, as promised, even if she was not making it widely known. Jael held herself within the milling crowds, conversation coming and going with the nobles who did not know, nor care to know who she was, going through the niceties regardless on the off chance she may hold some importance. She was as invisible as she could make herself be within the castle. A nameless, faceless wedding guest, circling through without any true feelings about the wedding itself.

That was laughable in its own right and the glass of water she clutched could hardly soothe away her own embarrassment and frustration over her behavior from that morning. Melisande had taken the more direct route to not caring. Her face had been flushed and her eyes glazed when Jael had moved to speak with her, and Jael had left her to it after a time, content to let Mel find her peace with the day, however she wished. She would apologize to her another day.

There were not many who didn't notice Ailla's departure, speculation running through like wildfire, despite the repeated assurances that she would return with a lighter gown. As far as excuses went, that one was thin on the ground. Ailish reaction alone should have negated it. The girl stood there like a startled doe. As if she couldn't quite understand what had just occurred. Jael doubted she was as innocent as that made her seem, but the only way to find out the truth, would be to seek out Ailla herself.

Jael made quiet apologies to the group she had been conversing with, holding her empty glass up as an excuse before she moved to the doors the servants had been rushing in and out of and slipping through them.

Many recognized her with a small nod of greeting. She picked the pins from her hair, letting it tumble down her shoulders. The halls beyond the main banquet hall were surprisingly sparse, though the draw of food and gossip probably kept many within the warmth of the halls. Jael moved boldly through the halls, not quite hiding, but making it clear that she was in no mood for conversation until she came to an empty corridor where she could shed her finery. The dress she stowed within an empty chamber, kicking off the shoes and tossing aside her jewels leaving her in what amounted to her undergarments.

She locked the door, moving to the window and balcony beyond, hauling herself up onto the roof.

Which was how she found Ailla.

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2012, 02:25:01 AM »
There used to be a swing in this tree, her father had made it, hung it up here for her when she was small, even though it was dangerous. She had stayed up here all day sometimes. She loved it. Now she was hiding in the branches of the tree, high up enough but not so high that the dangling sanded foot connected to a very prettily made up Ailla... in her street urchin clothes.

Jael wasn't so hard to spot, either, but Ailla could barely stand to breathe for fear of... well all of it, she nearly let out a startled cry at the mere sight of her. Tears rolling down her cheeks anyway, though she said nothing.

Offline Jael

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2012, 02:47:08 AM »
It was the cry, more than the shock of finding Ailla so easily, that made Jael jerk to her feet, crossing the remainder of the roof in a fast burst of speed as she leapt at the tree. The branches snapped and popped as she collided with it, bark scraping up the skin of her knees, and palms as she dug in to slow her assent. Blood blossomed from her fingers as she picked her way down to where Ailla was, heart in her mouth.

It was not all her doing.

But it was mostly her fault.

Whatever it was she meant to say upon finding Ailla could wait. She scooted along the branch above Ailla, hands going on over the other until she could swing down to settle beside her dearest friend without crushing her as well.

The tears stung Jael's heart. She knew what needed to be said first, knew it down deep in her soul, and knew she meant it when her magic began tingling under the surface of her skin, unused for so long, another mistake, and begging to be let out and calm Ailla by all means possible. But not yet. No. Not then.

Jael hung together by the barest thread, reaching out to smooth away the tear stains along Ailla's cheek. "I'm so sorry, Ailla. So very sorry."

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2012, 03:04:40 AM »
Ailla watched with a mixture of alarm, fear, bafflement and longing as jael approached her, and it only made the tears fall in an even steadier downwards shower of sadness, want.  When she spoke, Ailla shook her head, still full of flowers and braids she hadn't had time or care to take out.

'No. You said our love was wrong. And my bride hates me, and Mel can't look at me. And you just climbed up a tree like a possessed elf in your underwear and sorry doesn't begin to cover it...' she doesn't pull away, she shakes her head but stays. Her eyes, the movement of her chest, shattered, broken movements that should have had her gasping but just left her shaking.

'Tell me how much it would hurt to die again.' she often asked that, when she wanted it to end, for good, even though she never came close to making an attempt, serious or not. She just needed to remember sometimes that it wasn't the better option.

Offline Jael

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2012, 09:16:30 AM »
"I did. I was wrong. I have made foolish mistakes in the past, but none bigger than this." Jael cupped Ailla's cheek and kissed her forehead, blood smearing with the pass of her thumb over smooth, pale skin. Her voice shook, taking in that hurt and unsteadiness and expelling it back as a soothing, comforting swell of affection and love. She pressed with fingers and light magic, skimming Ailla's emotions and trying to brush back those tears and upsets, knowing only time could mend them all.

"You are too important to me to keep hurting, and I've done it more than enough. You're too important, Ailla. Much too important, and I love you dearly. It scares me, yes, but it isn't wrong. It was never wrong, I was."

She closed her eyes, clutching the branch with her free hand when a light breeze caught them. "Death is not the easy way."

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2012, 10:12:57 AM »
It still hurts, aches, like the cold floor had numbed her legs this morning before she had been forced to move by well meaning maids who picked her up and cleaned her off and dressed her, finally. Aches like how it hurt to smile and laugh and have good will and stay standing when all she wanted was to crumple into a ball and die. But there is a warmth, a comfort, even before she senses the oddly tingly, warm feeling of Jael's magic leaking though their connection into her, warming her more, comforting, soothing and she presses as close to jael as she can without either of them falling out of the tree.

'I told you love couldn't be wrong,' she sighs softly, not quite an "I forgive you, but she needed time, and more hugs, for that right now. Her heart was still so heavy and Jael's words from this morning rang in her ears.

'Ailish hates me. She moved out of the room she asked for this morning and she keeps being snappish at me and she won't tell me why to let me fix it but she still insisted on saying our vows...'

Offline Jael

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2012, 10:22:27 AM »
"I should listen to you more." Forgiveness was not something Jael expected. Not this day or the next. She would need to work harder for it than she had so far, but she was here and listening now, calmer than this morning and more willing to let things go as they would. She wanted to pray and pray fiercely, the sort that left her drained and unstable, when she returned to the temple next, beg for answers and help to maintain this feeling she was still grasping at because what was done was done. She needed to be able to carry on with it.

"Does she talk to you about what she expects?" Jael asked the question, not sure if it was her place to anymore. She stroked a hand up and down Ailla's back, clutching her just as tightly. "She was...being obtuse about the question this morning."

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2012, 10:29:53 AM »
'She was... she tol me when she got here she wanted to help me, and she's expressed an urge to make my life more private, as if that were possible and she's told me she loved me and seemed a bit enraptured by me as if I was pretty enough to forget all logic, and she expects things from me.... but she was happy, yesterday... and today we cannot even dance at our wedding without her telling me I'm treating her like a pet... just because I said I had tried to make our wedding a happy time for her and I hadn't though that a sin, it's not like I wanted to be married but unless it was you it wouldn't matter who the bride was and it's not like I went around announcing it to her... I don't know what I did but it's like the riots and she's all too happy to think the worst of me again, like she seemed to think I didn't care for the shop that was ruined, that I wouldn't help... and I'm just too tired for this. I asked her what was wrong and she refuses to tell me.' Ailla just wishes she could hug jael until she died and not have to do anything else, this, and Melisande are her safety zones, her comfort in the unstable hell of her court she was doing her best to right.

Offline Jael

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2012, 02:19:00 PM »
It would be more prudent not to be wishing death when they were high in a tree. Jael rubbed Ailla's shoulders, pulling her closer until she could feel the heat of her breath. "I may be more to blame for that than intended. I told her to speak to you about how she felt. I hadn't thought she would do so today."

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2012, 02:29:01 PM »
'I've been marriageable since she was ten years old, Jael, but I escaped it until now... what did she think? Expect? I'm not shy, it's not like I wouldn't have proposed marriage if I'd wanted it before the Queen put an order on me...' but Ailish barely seems to want to have anything to do with her now and she'd tried so hard, behaved so well.

'I wish we could run away. Or annul the marriage and send her home as she doesn't want to be here anymore.'

Offline Jael

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2012, 02:33:57 PM »
"It's done, Ailla. It's done." They can't run. And an annulment would reflect poorly, something both women would likely agree with once emotions stopped clouding reason. A skill Jael was having issues with, and she was normally better about it than she had been. It seemed unlikely reason would win out. "You will have to talk to her. Truly talk to her, Ailla. Sit down with her alone and talk. It would have benefited us, and I am not hiding from any wife."

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2012, 02:41:22 PM »
'A wife that hates me is worse than no wife at all. Do you remember when I was small I wanted so badly to be a priestess, to be with you, forever?' an annulment would be bad but not so bad as this, and if the queens didn't like it... well Ailla held a good portion of their purse strings with the money they earned from her and right now she'd happily yank that rug out from under their high and mighty feet.

'I tried to talk to her, alone, sincerely, she just got angry at me because she thought she would be late to the wedding but her mother hadn't even gotten there to escort her, yet. And she's in her old rooms, she moved away from mine even though she asked to be put in the rooms next to mine.'

Offline Jael

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #12 on: July 27, 2012, 12:04:38 PM »
"Had she truly hated you, would she ever have dared spoken like that?" Jael doubted it. She hoped Ailla understood that. She hoped further she understood why she was pressing for this to work, when hours earlier she had been prepared to burn the castle to the ground and like a highwayman make off with Ailla into the shadows.

"I remember." It had been an entertaining few days where Ailla had refused to leave the temple to the point they had given her robes simply because she began to stink. "Do you hate her?"

Offline Ailla Voss

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Re: Healing Hurts
« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2012, 06:07:46 AM »
'Why wouldn't she? If she hates me she has little left to lose. How Mel thought someone who would fall for me would be a good idea, I can't even begin to understand...' which was really poking fun at her own self admitted inability to be good enough to earn such love without ruining the persons who give it to her.

'I don't hate easily. But this was not my choice, and I know I made Mel make it but there's no way I could have made a choice the Queens would agree with and you know it. Ailish knew that this was an arrangement, I didn't trap her in a web, she walked merrily into it. I don't hate her. There is nothing about her to hate, but I do not think I can be who she needs in a wife. And I hate myself. And I don't know what I did wrong and I can't fix what I don't understand... and I need to get changed and go back, don't I?'

 


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